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Showing posts from May, 2016

thankful for a nightmare

"My daughter is always getting out of bed and coming in my room."  Before adoption, these comments brought a much different response in my heart and out of my mouth.  Life changes when you bring home a baby who has transitioned too many times and learned how to survive on their own all before their first birthday.  I spent so many nights that first year beside her bed.  Each time she would try to rock herself to sleep, I would wrap my arm around her to show her that the rocking was now my job.  
I have sought to create a space that is safe.  A family where we love and support each other.  I often miss the mark.  There is often chaos that gets in the way of that goal.  But overall we have tried.  Still my baby girl has never, ever gotten out of her bed.  Through nightmares and injuries, she carries on fighting the nighttime battle all alone.  All the while, her mama and daddy sleep completely unaware. 
That is until tonight.  
Tonight she came to me for comfort from a nightm…

memories of the past fuel dreams for the future

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I spent many summers sitting on this swing dreaming of what someday would bring.  I am now living in that someday. It is a beautiful moment when life circles around and you get the chance to walk in a memory.  There are pieces of that young girl still living in my soul.  In this place it is easy to reconnect with who she was and remember the passions that burned in her heart. The road between that spot and where I am today was often the road less traveled, at times the road unwanted, but overall beyond what I imagined in all those hours spent in this swing. I think about all the stones of remembrance along the way. God's love and mercy and grace and faithfulness overwhelm me.

So often I get too caught up in what I am not and what dreams have not come to pass. But in this spot.  Oh, in this spot I see the incredible goodness of God and I am undone. What a life! Twenty- three years of memories.  Dreams of love. Dreams of travel. Dreams of nursing. Dreams of ministry. Dreams of moth…

what mother am I?

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Modern mothering is not easy.  I blame most of this on the amount of information we are bombarded with every day.  There are so many ideas on how to care for and raise children.  And now, more than ever, we have instant access to millions of these ideas all the time.  It can become overwhelming.  I start to wonder if I am creative enough, teaching enough, searching out enough activities and taking them to all the places they need to see.  And then there are moments like this photograph that bring it all back into perspective for me.

Safe. Loved. Valued.

That is what my children are looking for. I think I often make motherhood way too complicated and in the process lose touch with what my kids truly need. Pinterest and Mommy Blogs can provide really fun ideas, but they can also be a source of stress. Googling something is just as frightening.  Type out one question and you will be bombarded with so many websites and opinions that you will find yourself falling deeper and deeper into a…

to the adopting Mom who is about to meet her child for the first time

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To the adopting Mama who is about to meet her child for the first time,

The waiting is over. You are now counting weeks, or maybe even days, instead of months. The moment you have dreamed about, hoped for, prayed for, cried for, begged God for, is about to arrive. You will see your child face to face for the first time. You go from pure excitement to immense panic throughout your day. Your to-do list seems to keep growing even though you are in constant motion preparing for travel. You cannot wait to see your child and yet you wonder if you are actually ready and questioning if they are ready to meet you.

Mama, you are about to embark on your own metamorphosis. The road ahead will not be easy. You already know that in your head. But you are about to actually experience the knowing in your heart and soul.  Your journey may not play out exactly as mine, but here are a few things from my mama's heart to yours.

When you see your child for the first time your heart may leap with joy…

what if?

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More and more people are talking about how abandonment and adoption can cause trauma to a young brain. And there is so much good coming from this discussion. People do need to tell their stories and therapies need to be tried and research needs to be done. It needs to be done so these precious children can thrive. But I have also seen something else coming from this discussion. And that something is fear. Men and women who once were open to adoption now questioning that path. Others who have deemed that adopting outside your own race or culture is unacceptable and causing further damage to an already traumatized child. I have been a part of a few adoption groups over the years that I had to leave because my soul just could not handle the increasing negativity. Truth: Adoption is hard on everyone. Also Truth: Adoption is also incredibly beautiful in ways you can't even begin to imagine until you are a part of it.

My baby girl turned seven yesterday. I was not there w…